NO REALLY, SHE'S NOT!!!!

"Oh she is so sweet" have become the words that irritate me beyond belief.  Our daughter has FASD, low cognitive function and seems to be developing some severe mental health issues, doctors are leaning towards a diagnosis of schizophrenia.  As we are the people around her constantly, we get the brunt of her mood swings and it is especially irritating when we have been verbally attacked for weeks from her and then someone who doesn't know us that well says " I was talking with....she is just so sweet".  Comments like these make me want to scream NO REALLY, SHE'S NOT!!!!

It's not that I don't want people to see the nice side of her or to have positve thoughts about her.  It's that we haven't seen that side of her for a long while and would love to have a break from the crazy making.  When you add a mental health low with PMS everyone should run for the hills!  I want to run for the hills but can't get away.

Working with her physicians and mental health team we have been making progress at helping her however it is just as important (if not more important) to help ourselves and the rest of the family.  If the rest of the family isn't strong and well cared for we won't have the strength to support the ones affected by mental illness.

1. Accept your own feelings and know that you are not alone.
It is natural to feel many different emotions when a loved one has a mental illness.  Other people experience the same challenges and complicated mix of emotions.  Let yourself and family feel whatever they need to feel.

2. Learn more
Take time to learn more about mental illness.  This will give you a better understanding of your loved one's experiences and help you see what they may be going through.

3.  Stay connected
Embarrassment, social stigma and fear can stop many family memebers from seeking help when a loved one has a mental illness.  But that can isolate you at a time when you need the most support from others.  Talk to trusted friends and family and let them know what you're experiencing.

4. Join a support group
Support groups are a good place to share your experiences, learn from others, and connect with people who understand what you're going through.  Find the support that works for you, it could be a group of friends, a support group or a counsellor.

5. Take time for yourself
If you are caring for a loved one, your responsibilities may use up your physical and emotional energy.  It's important to take time for yourself and the other members of the family.  It can help you recharge and give you a more balanced perspective toward any challenges you experience.  Schedule opportunities that allow you to relax, have fun and get away so you can come back to your loved one with a healthier outlook.  You can't care for someone else if you haven't cared for yourself first.

6.Seek help for yourself
Caring for a loved one who's unwell can be stressful.  Seek help if you find your own well-being slipping, and encourage family members to seek help if they need it.  Mental illness can have a big impact on family relationships.

7. Develop coping strategies for challenging behaviours
There may be times when a loved one shows strange or challenging behaviours that can make you feel confused, embarrassed, or scared.  This can happen in public or in private.
- Make a plan as a family how to best deal with situations
- Understand that their behaviour is not personal, even when it feels personal.

Tonight's evening has a "Publication Ban"

The balancing act of parenting seems to take more effort for our family as the gap between ages and needs becomes more evident.  Having a large family comprised of both adoptive children with many special needs and birth children the gaps between their abilities seems to increase over the years. 

13 years ago when we adopted for the first time we had 5 biological children ranging in age from 5-12 and the 2 we adopted first were 6 and 11.  At that time both presented with delays but the 11 year old was functioning higher than our then youngest and the children and their differing abilities blended together.  As life evolved we adopted multiple times and the differing abilities tended to blend together up until we adopted our youngest 7, and around the same time that our older children were becoming adults. 

Now that some of our children have become adults the gaps have really become evident.  We have adult children that have graduated college or are attending college/university, ones living on their own, married and with children.  We also have adults that live at home, need a care provider when we are out, need reminders for....well almost everthing, have extreme behaviour challenges, developing mental health issues, etc.  We have adult children that require more supervision now than when they were adopted, due to later onset mental health issues, and they require more supervision than our 3 year old (with significant delays).  We also have our youngest sibling group which have abilities that you would expect for children 10 years old and younger. 

One challenge we have been finding lately is when we are planning an activity with the adult children, not everyone functions as an adult.  Sometimes we want a drama free adult evening or activity were we can all have fun together.  We don't always want to deal with the constant stress and mental health challenges.  Sometimes the adult kids want their Mom and Dad, sometimes they want an activity were they are the center of attention, sometimes we just all need a break.  Don't get me wrong, we truly love all of the family, and the majority of the family activities include everyone, however sometimes not everyone is invited.  We also understand that the individuals in the family with these extra challenges don't have control over some of their issues and if they thought that they are causing stress for us or that we needed a break from them it would upset them.

Recently we had a group gathering with some of the family and everyone that was attending was discrete about attending.  Everyone that attended left home at different times, with different stories about where they were going, the babysitter didn't even know that everyone was together.  We imposed a publication ban on any pictures that were taken.  We feel bad that we need to sneak out but also need to consider everyone else's feelings.  How would you handle this?  Would you have an all or none approach, risking adults refusing to attend?  Would you add further stress to the adults suffering already with special needs and mental health issues and tell them the family needs a break from them?

Together, We Make a Family!

Over the last week we have had a visitor staying with us - the former foster mom of 3 of our kids.  For these 3 kids she was/is their family, they were apprehended at birth and never had a relationship with their birth family.  The children lived with her for 2-4 years depending on their age at placement, she was their Mom.  Now referred to as "Gramma" she also has been a great friend and resource, especially when working towards a diagnosis for their many challenges as she was there for all the milestones.  For us openness in adoption varies depending on whom the important relationships for the children are with.

With our many adoptions we have formed varying relationships with members of the children's birth families and foster families.  Some of these relationships have been great from day one and others have taken a great deal of work.  Some have been completely open relationships where we have the people to our home or visit their home, some we visit in a neutral location with them not knowing where we live and others involve letters and photos being mailed through a 3rd party.

Openness can be extremely difficult as you are trying to have a forced relationship with a person you might not particularly like or be drawn too.  It may be a person that has hurt your child greatly or wasn't there for your child.  I recall meeting the birth mom to our first adoptive children and I was terrified, I had lived a very sheltered life and she was extremely rough.  For another adoption when meeting that particular birth mom she was so nervous and scared she was physically ill.  Yet another relationship, that was strongly encouraged by the social workers, turned out to be continuing the abuse that they were originally apprehended from.  We have also had our child speak highly of someone from their past and we have searched out that person and formed a relationship.

Over the years, with many experiences both good and bad, I can honestly say that openness in general has been a good thing for my children and myself.  The way we responded when negative things happened proved our commitment and love to our children, ideally the negative things wouldn't have happened.  The relationships that grew over the years have added to our family.  Being around various members of their birth families has strengthened the children's understanding of where they came from and why being placed for adoption was their path.  Time and circumstance has also changed the relationships when kids are young, the relationship tends to be what the adults make of it but as the kids become adults they have taken the lead on what they want the relationship to look like.

What??? But I didn't say anything!!!! - Non Verbal communication

It's all about the non verbal communication around here.  A couple of our young adults have been struggling with the way they respond to situations in their lives, not understanding that their actions tell a completely different story than the words coming out of their mouths. Employers, teachers, friends and family are reacting to the non verbal response and the young adults are completely baffled because they didn't say "anything".

For example when asked to wipe down the table, as she failed to complete the whole job when doing the dinner dishes.  Nothing was said verbally but the book that was being read is slammed down on the table, a large sigh was released, rolling eyes, stomping into the kitchen to grab a cloth, more crashing and banging, then a partial cleaning of the table happens.  Those that aren't able to ignore their responses are offended, scared or nervous.  The other day one of our children's workers did not know how to respond after a similar negative response and was concerned for her safety.  I realize that a degree of this behavior is common with teenagers but our young adults are not teenagers and they are taking this behavior to a whole new level.

We have been upping our social skill lessons around here hoping that eventually it will click with them that most people find these behaviors offensive.  It is hard when the adults in question can't read other peoples non verbal responses so they don't understand they are giving off similar messages.

We have been studying facial expressions making note that most of the emotional information is carried in the shape of the mouth and the eyebrows.  Collecting pictures from magazines, photo albums and the internet we have been playing games labeling the emotion portrayed. Using mirrors we have been looking at our faces trying to make different expressions.  Once determining the emotion and getting better at this game then we added in the fact that each emotion has many degree's within that emotion ie from feeling happy to estatic or mad to raging.

Body language also has a role in our study noting that posture, gestures and movement also carry information about people's emotions.  Tone of voice is also being considered as it also conveys at least as much information as the actual words that are being said.  Being able to accurately read voice tone allows us to judge whether a person is angry, sad, happy, tired or scared - it also gives critical information about whether the person means what they say (are they being sarcastic? joking? sincere? teasing? friendly or unfriendly?)

By playing games, charades, and watching people (either from a distance or on television without sound) we have been practicing reading people's communication.  I am looking for ideas if you have any suggestions on teaching this valuable but complicated skill, please leave a comment.

Sea lions, roller coasters and water slides

I recently got away BY MYSELF too visit 2 of my daughters who have moved away for college/university.  Anyone who knows me knows that I rarely get away without the family however things change as the age gap and circumstances change within our family.  With our children getting older our relationships have been changing from a parenting one to a more adult friendship relationship.

While away my amazing husband not only looked after the family he continued working on our ongoing renovation project.  I do have to say when I arrived home and heard the tales of the current project I was glad I was away.  Our home continues to be turned upside down with these reno's and I am hoping the living room will be done in time for the Christmas season.

It was great spending an extended weekend with 2 of the girls.  We spent a few days at an extremely large mall.  While there between getting lost we went to the aquarium and watched a show with sea lions and penguins.  My daughters had their picture taken with the sea lion which kissed one of the girls on the head, dripping salt water into her mouth.

On the second day between shopping we went to the amusement park and rode a variety of rides and went into the haunted house.  Being the chicken that I am I did not ride the scariest roller coaster as I know it would have resulted in me having a headache for days.  One daughter landed up blacking out part way through the ride and then had a headache for the next 48 hours.

The final day at the mall brought more shopping and a trip to the "water park".  The slides at the water park seem to be getting more and more extreme but it was a fun time.