Tonight's evening has a "Publication Ban"

The balancing act of parenting seems to take more effort for our family as the gap between ages and needs becomes more evident.  Having a large family comprised of both adoptive children with many special needs and birth children the gaps between their abilities seems to increase over the years. 

13 years ago when we adopted for the first time we had 5 biological children ranging in age from 5-12 and the 2 we adopted first were 6 and 11.  At that time both presented with delays but the 11 year old was functioning higher than our then youngest and the children and their differing abilities blended together.  As life evolved we adopted multiple times and the differing abilities tended to blend together up until we adopted our youngest 7, and around the same time that our older children were becoming adults. 

Now that some of our children have become adults the gaps have really become evident.  We have adult children that have graduated college or are attending college/university, ones living on their own, married and with children.  We also have adults that live at home, need a care provider when we are out, need reminders for....well almost everthing, have extreme behaviour challenges, developing mental health issues, etc.  We have adult children that require more supervision now than when they were adopted, due to later onset mental health issues, and they require more supervision than our 3 year old (with significant delays).  We also have our youngest sibling group which have abilities that you would expect for children 10 years old and younger. 

One challenge we have been finding lately is when we are planning an activity with the adult children, not everyone functions as an adult.  Sometimes we want a drama free adult evening or activity were we can all have fun together.  We don't always want to deal with the constant stress and mental health challenges.  Sometimes the adult kids want their Mom and Dad, sometimes they want an activity were they are the center of attention, sometimes we just all need a break.  Don't get me wrong, we truly love all of the family, and the majority of the family activities include everyone, however sometimes not everyone is invited.  We also understand that the individuals in the family with these extra challenges don't have control over some of their issues and if they thought that they are causing stress for us or that we needed a break from them it would upset them.

Recently we had a group gathering with some of the family and everyone that was attending was discrete about attending.  Everyone that attended left home at different times, with different stories about where they were going, the babysitter didn't even know that everyone was together.  We imposed a publication ban on any pictures that were taken.  We feel bad that we need to sneak out but also need to consider everyone else's feelings.  How would you handle this?  Would you have an all or none approach, risking adults refusing to attend?  Would you add further stress to the adults suffering already with special needs and mental health issues and tell them the family needs a break from them?

Finding Support & Saving Money, A Trip to the Movies

Last night some of the kids and I ventured out to the movie theater to watch the movie "Paddington".  It is always an adventure going out with our crowd so I always try and increase the number of "possible helpers" just in case we need extra support.  We put the "call out" that we were attending the movie if anyone wanted to attend with us and got one additional taker.  The kids and I loved having their big brother attend with us and I especially like having the additional support, just in case.

All of our kids with special needs that qualify have "access 2 entertainment" cards that allow for a support person to attend the movie (or other activities as specified) at no additional cost. See more about the access 2 entertainment card here in a previous post.  We have found the lure of a "free activity" to be a benefit when recruiting support for various activities  really I don't think it's the free activity that lures them it's the goodness of their heart and the strong possibility of some really funny stories of what may happen on the outing.  The cost of attending a movie, for a large family already adds up, so having support people getting in free is a huge bonus.

Having the extra help for this outing was especially welcome as we were running late (really tried to arrive early) and then when we got into line to pay one child grabs my sweater as he starts to seize.  Big brother was able to take the seizing child and the others to sit while I got the tickets and snacks.  Trying to get everyone and their snacks into the theater and seated was another challenge - a note to movie theaters:  it would be really helpful if you could deliver the snacks to our seats!  During the movie we had a couple more minor challenges but all in all a good time.

Sea lions, roller coasters and water slides

I recently got away BY MYSELF too visit 2 of my daughters who have moved away for college/university.  Anyone who knows me knows that I rarely get away without the family however things change as the age gap and circumstances change within our family.  With our children getting older our relationships have been changing from a parenting one to a more adult friendship relationship.

While away my amazing husband not only looked after the family he continued working on our ongoing renovation project.  I do have to say when I arrived home and heard the tales of the current project I was glad I was away.  Our home continues to be turned upside down with these reno's and I am hoping the living room will be done in time for the Christmas season.

It was great spending an extended weekend with 2 of the girls.  We spent a few days at an extremely large mall.  While there between getting lost we went to the aquarium and watched a show with sea lions and penguins.  My daughters had their picture taken with the sea lion which kissed one of the girls on the head, dripping salt water into her mouth.

On the second day between shopping we went to the amusement park and rode a variety of rides and went into the haunted house.  Being the chicken that I am I did not ride the scariest roller coaster as I know it would have resulted in me having a headache for days.  One daughter landed up blacking out part way through the ride and then had a headache for the next 48 hours.

The final day at the mall brought more shopping and a trip to the "water park".  The slides at the water park seem to be getting more and more extreme but it was a fun time.

Ahoy matey....Adaptive Sailing

We recently had 2 of our children try out "Adaptive Sailing"  and they had a blast.  They went out in "Martin 16 sailboats", these sailboats apparently cannot capsize or sink and are supposed to be safe in any wind or sea condition which made me more confident encouraging them too "set sail".  In each sailboat there was a volunteer instructor with each "sailor" and then there was also a powered "support" boat with an instructor that was giving direction to the entire group.  

Sailing, for people with disabilities, gives them sense of freedom and independence.  With the use of adaptive technology, people with significant physical limitations or cognitive limitations can compete equally with able-bodies persons.  This program was open to adults and children with visible or non-visible disabilities at a very low cost of $15 per 2 hour lesson.  This was the first time experiencing sailing for my children but with this program they can participate just to experience sailing, to become independent sailors or refine skills for competitive sailing.  

The weather for today's sailing was not ideal as there wasn't much wind but they were able to get out in the boats and the power boat towed them around the bay.  They also met some new people and experienced something different.  

We have tried out a few "adaptive sports" and I highly recommend them.  A lot of these programs are supported by very knowledgeable volunteers and I am thankful that they take the time to support individuals in these programs.  My children have been able to try new sports that we wouldn't be confident teaching them.  

Another benefit of participating in these types of programs is that it gives the family a small, often well needed, break.  We were able to sit on the beach and relax as they participated in this fun program, a win for all.

  

Re-homing, hmmm

Recently in the news I have been reading how a US senate subcommittee will hear how the federal government can stop parents from transferring custody of their adopted children to strangers met on the internet.  This hearing is a response from a Reuters investigation into "private re-homing" were desperate parents are soliciting new families for their children.  article here

In the original Reuters investigation it tells of struggling parents, who felt they could no longer parent their child and resorted to the internet searching for anyone willing to take on raising their child.  In most cases these children had been originally adopted from overseas, however their were some adopted locally and some birth children.

I am a member of a few adoption and special needs related groups and this topic has been a very hot discussion.  Some people are appalled and ready to attack the parents who would consider taking this kind of action.  Others feel compassion for the parents/families realizing the limited supports available to struggling families.  All are concerned for the child's safety.  Some are blaming the adoption agency for lack of preparation and post adoption support.  Some are blaming the government for lack of timely support, if any support.  The opinions vary depending on where the adoption or parenting journey has taken each individual.

The part I struggle with, is the original investigation only focused on the most negative extreme cases, and yes something must be done to prevent any child from having to endure the abuses these children went through.  Not all "re homing" results in abuse and negative extremes in fact it can be a very positive result for all involved.  If there is an adoption break down and the child is placed into foster care is that not the child getting a "new home".  In any situation, birth families, adoptive families, foster families and re homing situations, there are exceptional families, horrid families and many in between.

I do not feel that having a "law" in place to restrict "re homing" is enough to protect children.  The families that went to these extremes (as discussed in the article) in placing their child felt that they had no other option, so if we take away this option, what is left? Families need support in order to raise and protect the children they have been blessed to care for and as a society we all need to step up and support one another.  We need education and support groups, both pre and post adoption, so that we are ensuring that people have the knowledge of what they are taking on.  We need easily accessible support and education for the parents parenting children with special needs. We need professional support that is available both in a timely fashion and easily accessible when the challenging behaviour begins, for both the child and the family.  We need non judgmental support when a person makes the very hard decision that they just can't do it and that their child deserves better.

I encourage each and everyone to reach out and be that person too offer support to struggling families. Help these families get the support they need so they are able to parent their child.  Be the voice advocating for support for your friends and families that are struggling.   If you know of someone that feels they must give up their child help them to find the safest, best possible situation for the child.  If you are the person struggling reach out and ask for help, sometimes it is as simple as asking.

Fun at the mountain

We are still busy filling our days of spring break, today Dad took the older "able and interested" kids skiing and snowboarding.  It was a day of firsts for many - a couple are very confident skiers but decided to give snowboarding a shot.  They rented all the required gear and started the day with a group lesson.  I think the instructor may have realized he had his work cut out for him when he told them to put their boards on and they didn't have a clue how to do that.  After lessons they were set free on the mountain, according to them they did many flips, jumps and stunts unfortunately they were not planned ones.  They worked hard trying to master boarding and did get better throughout the day but do find skiing much easier.  The next morning they could not believe how sore their muscles were.  One was complaining she didn't know so many muscles were involved in swallowing and how can they be sore from boarding.

For another child it was the first time at the mountain and she learned to ski.  She was signed up for an all day ski/daycare program.  Watching from a distance it was evident that skiing was very difficult for her and with Developmental Coordination Disorder, FASD, ADHD and low muscle tone why wouldn't it be.  At the end of the day as Dad was waiting for her to return he had visions of the instructor carrying the skis and them both walking back or the first aid people bring her back but was extremely proud as she skied over the hill yelling "Dad I snow skied" and then falling at his feet.  If the teaching had been done by us both of us would be frustrated and the day probably wouldn't have been as successful.  With children with "special needs" it is helpful to consider the child and what may work best for them.  At the mountain they have group lessons, private lessons, daycare with lessons, adaptive skiing/snowboarding, tubing etc.  Use your knowledge of your child, talk with the staff at the mountain and have your child try a program.  If that program doesn't work then modify and then try again.

Also consider your needs do you need a respite break and can't find a provider or don't want to "send" the child away?  Would a daycare program or private lessons for your child give you a break?  Your child may be happy spending the day at the mountain and not present that after respite behavior.